Really Funny Short Jokes - String in Soccer Game

Question: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
Answer:So he could tie the score.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Football animals

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Curious attendant

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Shell station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - He is new to baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”

Really Funny Short Jokes - Workout at the gym

At the Gym
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Ice Hole

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win — they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Experimenting Marine

Back in 1947 the government was experimenting with a Marine’s ability to
complete his mission after suffering a serious head injury.
They took a well trained, physically-fit, hard-charging Cpl. and told him to
row a canoe up a river. The Cpl. jumped in the canoe, started rowing up stream
with ease and began singing, “From the Halls of Montezuma, […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Colonel

Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write?
A: Colonel

My computer keeps telling me I have mail

My friend went to her mailbox several times before it was even time for the
mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting
for a special delivery.
My friend looked at the neighbor and said:
“No, My computer keeps telling me I have mail”.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Modem manufacturer

You’ve probably heard about the Mars Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the
red planet, pathfinder will release the sojourner rover, a little laboratory on
wheels. Sojourner will cruise about the Martian surface performing experiments.
It turns out that sojourner and pathfinder will communicate using two standard,
off-the-shelf 9600-baud radio modems.
According to jet propulsion laboratory program manager Donna Shirley, […]

NASA gets indications of life on Mars

It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found
proof of life on Mars.
The cd player was stolen.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Send

A customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After
40 minutes of trouble-shooting. The tech discovered the man was trying to fax a
piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
‘Send’ key.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Brilliant idea

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all
his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he
told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Flying without a parachute

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling,
he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but
as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes
off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - A blind pilot is flying this plane?

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there
had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we
stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there
would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we
would re board […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - A Skydiving lesson

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first
skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any
of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how
long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Our jump master looked at […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - A no-frills airline

You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:
They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Object

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object
to tie it to.

Really Funny Short Jokes - See if it happens again

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on
their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when
suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control
down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to
a halt scraping along the mountainside. […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Marriage’s Advantage

Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Who Is Listening

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.
During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.
During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.

Really Funny Short Jokes - A fire engine sandwich

Q. What’s red and white and red and white and hard to swallow?
A. A fire engine sandwich.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Wife and TV

Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a tv, and a mistress and tv with
cable?
A: The first one is both are at home and free, the second one is also both at
home but with a FEE.

Really Funny Short Jokes - IRS … Leach?

Q: What’s the difference between a leach and the I

Why Name It?

Q: Why do men always give their penis a name?
A: Because they don’t want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for
them.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Bank

Q. What do you call a sperm bank inside of a castle?
A. Kingdom Cum.

Really Funny Short Jokes - “Next!”

Q: What’s the mating call of the redhead?
A: “Next!”

Really Funny Short Jokes - Isakoff and Ice Cream

What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common?
Both get scooped regularly

Really Funny Short Jokes - EMERGENCY EXIT

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W.
Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Whetting his whistle

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the
middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! –
but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s hit — but, […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - General Nuisance

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter
what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Skipped Church Lately?

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Froggie Proposal

A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch to make it longer. She said, “Go into the forest and ask the toad there to marry you, each time it says no, your penis will grow one inch.” Happy, the man ran to the forest and started yelling, “Froggie, Froggie, will […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - The Lyin’ King

What’s the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One’s an African lion, and the other’s a lion African.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Charging Elephant

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!

Really Funny Short Jokes - Man And Pig?

Q: What’s the difference between a man and a pig?
A: You mean there IS a difference?

Really Funny Short Jokes - Summerfor Slackers

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don’t worry about it. In order to keep money flowing into our institution we’ve created a summer program that any slacker could pass.
New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you pick X or O? The answer isn’t as complicated as you might think […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Grasshopper Biology

A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled ‘hop!’, and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled ‘hop!’ and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - BubbaTinyon Probation

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped — he had no idea […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Harvard Graduate

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Really Funny Short Jokes - The Panda Bear

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - The great rabbit escape!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.
It wasn’t long […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - The Bear and the Frog

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Way too much to drink

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately.
The next day at the office, the three […]

Really Funny Short Jokes - Service

Santa : “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
Banta : “Why complain? You’re still getting the same service!”

Really Funny Short Jokes - Families

- My mother dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

- Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Asterix

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
“The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.
“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”
“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

Really Funny Short Jokes - Graduate

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

This One's Not a Criminal, But Still Pretty Dumb

A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.

Really Funny Short Jokes - Bad Doctor

A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

The man replies, "I'm alright, but I didn't like the FOUR-LETTER-WORD the doctor used in surgery."

The nurse asked, "What did he say"?

“OOPS!!!"

Really Funny Short Jokes - Make a Bandstand

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs!

Short Jokes

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Really Funny Short Jokes

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

The Eight Volunteers Jokes

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

*******
Great collection of really funny short jokes

The Ambitious Employee Jokes

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you've
been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said the employee.

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

*******
Great collection of really funny short jokes

Really Funny Short Jokes - Stop

a lady drove a van full of a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot looking for a space. obviously frazzled she coasted through a stop sign. "hey lady have you forgotten how to stop" yelled an irate man she rolled down the window and said "what makes you think these are all mine"

Really Funny Short Jokes - GM VS. Microsoft

Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were attending a Q and A session during a business conference. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made.

"If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has," Gates bragged. "we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles per gallon."

"I suppose that's true," the GM executive agreed, "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"

Really Funny Jokes - Dynamite Fishing

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

Really Funny Short Jokes - Gravity

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

Animal Jokes

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Really Funny Plane Jokes

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

watermelons

a black person, a mexican, and a white person went to this farm and asked the farmer if they could stay in his barn for the night. the farmer said yes but my daughter sleeps there and if you touch her your going to regret it. so later that night each person fucked her. so the next morning the farmer woke up and saw that they touched her. the farmer goes i told you that you would regret it now go into the fields and pick one hundred of her favorite fruit. the white person was the first one back and he brought one hundred cherries the farmer said good now shove them up your ass so he did and walked away. the next person back was the mexican he came back with one hundred apples the farmer said good now shove them up your ass he gets to 98 and starts laughing and they all fall out he gets to 99 starts laughing and they all fall out the farmer goes Boy what's your problem the mexican goes that damn nigger back there is picking watermelons!!!!

Negro

why do people call black people negro???

becuz their knees grow ahhaahha

you're so ugly

you're so ugly that when you were born your mom turned and lokked at your dad she said "i should have just gave you head"

Skeleton

Whats The Definition of a skeleton?

A stripper that went too far!

How did the Germans win the war against the Pollacks?

How did the Germans win the war against the Pollacks?

The Pollacks threw the hand grenade and the Germans pickeu it up, pulled the plug and threw it back!

Nun And Cabbie

A nun got in a cab n tha cabbie sed: "sorry, but i've alwayz wondered wat kissin a nun wud be lyk..."

n tha nun sed: "well, r u single n christian?"

n tha cabbie sed: "yhh"

so they kissd...

n tha cabbie sed: "i hav a confesssion - im married n im jewish"

n tha nun sed: "well, my name's kevin n im goin 2 a halloween party"

Stupid Kid

Well some told me that

u cant touch your teeth with your tounge

heres my comments and concerns :

1. Your a big idiot you tryed it right now, knowing that u can do it.

2. Your smiling right now

3. Now your smiling and giggling and making that little laugh

4. you keep on reading this joke

5. Now you stopped reading it cause you just realized it was a complete waste of time.

cop

why did the police officer stink? Because he was on duty!!!!

the alien and the puzzle

What did the alien say to the jigsaw puzzle?

''I come in peace and you come in peices!"

i am the man

whatever i say you say i am the man went to the beach i am the man picked up a girl took her to the beach i am the man took her out on the ocean got it on i am the man woke up in the morning she leans over and whispers in your ear i am the man!!!

Cinderblock

There was a father who had three daughters named Rose, Daisy, and Cinderblock. One day Rose comes up to the dad and says,

"Daddy, why am I named Rose?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."

She walks away. Then Daisy walks up and says,

"Daddy, why am I named Daisy?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."

She walks away. Then Cinderblock walks up and says,

"DDDDDDUUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"

"Shut up, Cinderblock."

Funny Joke

SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS — female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
PENLIGHT — male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very
bright.
TIRE — male, because it goes [...]

Funny Stories – Cat Humor

Funny Stories
Cat Humor
Kathee Austin
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke [...]

Funny Joke

Getting Rid of Pests
Sue’s husband now works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules for that company is the tech has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, [...]

Funny Joke

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?” The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.” Without [...]

Needing Medical Help

Needing Medical Help
http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”

Prescription Drugs Side Effects

Lady says to pharmacist: “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”
Pharmacist replies: “Because that’s all we’ve documented so far.”

Funny Jokes

SIGNS OF LIFE
English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.”
On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”
Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet.”
At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross [...]

Funny Joke

A sailor, after placing some flowers on a grave in a cemetery, noticed an
old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave, and asked:
“What time do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”
The old Chinese man replied with a smile:
” Same time your friend come up to smell [...]

Funny Joke

My annual physical, the nurse starts with certain basics. How
much do you weigh?” she asks. “125,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
She asks, “Your height?” “5 foot 8,” I say. I only measure 5′ 5″.
She checks my blood pressure and tells me it is very [...]

Funny Jokes

A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad; an
optimist hopes so…
“What does not kill me only makes me more cynical.” By
Ryan Ayukawa
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
If you think the [...]

Funny Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station!

Funny Wrinkle Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles
on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the
wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally
the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time [...]

Funny Jokes

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Friendship between women:
A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells
her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house.
The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them
know anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his
wife that [...]

Funny Jokes

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
AGE AND WOMANHOOD
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources.
4. Between [...]

At the Playground

We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to
his brother.
“Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.”
“Go down the slide while sitting, only.”
“Only one child on a swing at a time.”
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised [...]

Penguins go to the Zoo

Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs
across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The
van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo
to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to [...]

Camping in Yellowstone

A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and [...]

Stop or slow down

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, [...]

The Cajun Ten Commandments

The Ten Commandments in Cajun…
(Keeps it REAL Simple)
1. God is number one… and das’ All.
2. Don’t pray to nuttin’ or nobody… jus’ God.
3. Don’t cuss nobody… ’specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday… pass yo’sef by God’s House.
5. Yo mama an’ yo daddy dun did it all… lissen to dem.
6. Killin’ duck an’ fish, [...]

Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over
and under one another, in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the untreated ones.
I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head
when [...]

Funny Jokes – In Church

Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not suppose to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See [...]

House Fires – Jokes Funny

THIS JUST IN:
The smoke detector industry and the insurance industry are covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
Insurance Jokes

Life or Death Issue

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing
parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.
“You gotta help me find my parrot!” she said.
The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that,
ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”
But the lady persisted, so the operator told her not to be
concerned. “The [...]

Breakfast time

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
“WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to
STICK!
“Careful … [...]

Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
“Sure, [...]

Oh, Gramma

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
“queen size.”
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed.”

Dear John letter

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret
that I cannot [...]

Tossing wine

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it [...]

New Lexus 450

I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I
couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio
was voice activated.

“Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, [...]

Christmas Gifts

What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift
Hey! There’s a gift!
Well, well, well …
Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.
If the dog buries it, I’ll be [...]

Funny Jokes – HOMELESSS WOMAN

THE HOMELESSS WOMAN
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it [...]

Funny Jokes – Gasoline Jokes

Funny Jokes – Gasoline Jokes
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding [...]

Funny Jokes – Boring Jokes

Funny Jokes – Boring Jokes
A man was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process … mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.
A woman was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?”
“Oh, no,” [...]

Mao Tse-tung

Mao Tse-tung
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been
granted a rare interview.
“What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushchev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?”
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said “I don’t think Mr.
Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev.”

She’ll find a horse!

She’ll find a horse!
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble
getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could
help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door
of Joe’s apartment house. Joe indicated that the [...]

Funny Jokes – Friendly Pig

Funny Jokes – Friendly Pig
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty and so he decided to ask at a stranger’s home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running [...]

It takes an Italian man

It takes an Italian man…
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman…
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the [...]

Baby Names

Baby Names
A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies, “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
The man says: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called [...]

March of the Librarians – American Library Conference Video

March of the Librarians – American Library Conference Video
“There are the male librarians, often sporting fabulous facial plumage, perhaps in an attempt to attract a mate.”
“The librarians spend hours waiting in line for the necessities of life such as coffee, food and e-mail.”

Introduction of the Book – Tech Support

In response to the video below about March of the Librarians, Louise E. Alcorn, Reference Technology Librarian, West Des Moines Public Library provided a link to this video about the introduction of the Book.

And that reminds me of this old Joke:
Something Called … B-O-O-K

Funny Jokes – God is good

Funny Jokes – God is good….
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made [...]

New STD Strain Appears In New Orleans

New STD Strain Appears In New Orleans
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced “gonna re-elect’em.”
Many victims have contracted it and keep passing [...]

Valentines Day Jokes – Valentine’s Day Jokes

Valentines Day Jokes
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and Kisses!
Love Quotes
Life Quotes

Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: “Be my valenstein!”
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very [...]

The Friend

The Friend
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.
His wife said, “You know, if you go on like this, you’re going to lose ALL your friends!”

Blondes on a Bus Ride

Blonde Jokes
Blondes on a Bus Ride – Blonde Bowling Team
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top-level.
The Brunette [...]

Tax Cuts – As Explained By A Democrat

Tax Cuts – As Explained By A Democrat
If you don’t understand the Democrats’ version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due
The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional [...]

Wild Ride

Wild Ride
On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the [...]

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it [...]

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING:
Normally we avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but we felt
this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove
to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can,
Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern [...]

Could You Help?

Could You Help?
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child. What can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for [...]

S I G N S

S I G N S
Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”
Camouflage Store: “Wise guise.”
Chicken Incubator: “Cheepers By The Dozen”
Dormitory Bathtub: “Don’t forget your ring!”
Elevator Door: “This elevator is out of whack… more whack is on order.”
Midget’s Summer House: “TOO LODGE”
Minister’s Bills: “Due unto others.”
Operating Room Entrance: “May I Cut In?”
Restaurant #4: “Our tongue sandwiches speak [...]

TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

TOP TEN GEORGE W. BUSH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
from “The Late Show with David Letterman”
10. Fewer decisions based on wild, drunken hunches
9. Have N.S.A. find out what really happened between Nick and Jessica
8. Stop using Situation Room monitors to play X-Box 360
7. [...]

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN:
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can [...]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day

Christmas Story for people having a bad day….When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming
to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he [...]

Don’t Mensa your words

Don’t Mensa your words
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start [...]

Funny Jokes- Redneck Jokes

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Parking Problem Solved

Parking Problem Solved
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning
about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o’clock
at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second
church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the
church on foot.
The problem [...]

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
My wife has not talked to me in three days. Last Saturday I escorted
her to buy a dress and finally she chose one she liked, but after
trying it on, she said, “What a pity. This dress is two sizes too
large,” and I replied, “Don’t worry, darling, you’ll grow into it.”

Language Barrier

Language Barrier…..
Asian lady married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real
problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn’t know [...]

Funny Jokes – Life Insurance

Funny Jokes – Life Insurance
A life insurance agent named Michael was the top
seller with his company for the sixth year and was
about to retire.
His best friend Scott went out with him for their
last drink on company time.
Scott said, “Mike old boy, I’ve asked you the same
question for the last six years, and you’ve always
refused to [...]

Relationships

Relationships
As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking
with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT
scan of the chest.
While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I
asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other
tests. The man named several procedures involving
various body parts, but he couldn’t remember one
particular test.
Thinking out loud, [...]

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure,”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,”
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has [...]

FUNNY BASEBALL JOKES

You’re a real baseball fanatic if you think the last words to the Star
Spangled Banner are: “Play Ball!”
———
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like baseball games?
A: Because he gets to see some balls.
———
The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball, when
you’re caught stealing, you’re out….
———
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a [...]

Baseball Humor

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities—Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less.
Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was
trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared [...]

Really Funny Short Jokes

Great collection of really funny short jokes. All about really funny short jokes, really really funny jokes, really funny quick jokes, really funny clean jokes, really funny jokes.